right and wrong

12:53pm

kept awake by probably the craziest and weirdest event of this year.

started as another day, full of anxiety for my study session with carmen.
arrived, sat down. started…

two hours later, we confessed to each other about our true feelings..

fuck.

that’s right. fuck. what did i just get myself into here.

the story

carmen, a lovely person, the girl who I didn’t know was so important to me until probably like last thursday. to me, she’s always been this constant part of my life that i never really questioned or wondered. she was just there. when she said she was going to leave, i decided to drop my satrical self and actually treat her as a true friend. i did and things got out of hand. first time i ever thought about ever wanting to be with her was last thursday june 5th, 08, we talked on the phone for 1 and a half hour. that phonecall changed me.

we started texting, then we got bolder and decdied to have a study session. i knew it wasn’t good news but me i was always try to test the limit. and shit, i went past the limit and ended up with probably the most tricky situations of my life.

my first reaction

one week ago, i would have never guessed sth like this could have happened.
one week ago, i was still hoping for a miracle that katherine might changed her mind

one week later, i ended up in her room telling her i like her

i do like her, in fact i love her, i love her as a friend as a sister, i don’t want her to get hurt, don’t hurt to be sad, i don’t want her to go through what i had to. i want what is best for her even if it involves injuring me.

we are amazingly similar. same tragic love story, same personality, same passion, same background. i don’t know why i never considered her, even during choate. if circumstances had been different. i’m sure that we would have been a couple for a really long time.

deeper analysis

but i don’t deserve her. yesterday, i was still telling my friend and encouraging him to tell his true feelings for the girl that i like. he even said i was a good lecturer. today, i went behind his back and stole his dream girl. i betrayed my friend

three weeks later, when she boards that plane and goes for good. i already know the rest of the story if we keep trying. relationship gets worse and worse. we try but nothing really works, we get really love sick. and we hurt each other’s feelings, injure each other. and then finally after months of prolong death, we break up. i can’t do that. i already do that to another person i loved. someone who i truthfully cared about. now, that girl turns her back at me and pretends i’m dead. i don’t want that to happen to such this beautiful friendship.i don’t want her to be sulking for me by herself. i want to be laughing with her, not crying behind her. i can’t deprive her right to be happy. i betrayed her.

less than one week, we just only started to have that feeling that we MIGHT be together. look where that has landed us less than a week later. i think i’m going too fast. if it wasn’t for her leaving, i might have slowed down. it’s probably just a combination of impulse and infatuation and the now or never feeeling that pushed me to tell her. i can’t lie. i have given up for “her” but the feeling for the new girl is not strong enough to test myself, to test if this is only a one time thing or the real deal. i don’t know if i lied to myself when i thought that i was her destined one. i betrayed my brain, i used my heart instead.

her reaction

after we confessed, she told me to decide. but somehow, i managed to give this life changing decision to her. she gave me the nod of approval

she wants it. this relationship will be less one-sided than the one before where it always seemed that i was the one trying to make things work.

she wants it to happen. she wants us to try even if she leaves hong kong for good. she wants to try long distance. it shows that she really wants it, no matter what happens.

questioning myself

am i just trying to keep myself in my small bubble only because last time, it was a tragic end? am i trying to deny her right to my heart just because last time someone else broke mine. ain’t i just being selfish and being a coward if i don’t even wanna try when she really really wants it. or am i really showing true wisdom by learning from my past and applying to my present situation. am i making up more reasons for myself so that i don’t have to think as much, love as much, sacrifice as much and be passive in life. ain’t i just being passive like i so warned myself never to do. what happend to the agressive, gung ho jason, did he die to with the peice of the heart that was scared by “her”?

decision

i think i am. i think i should poke that bubble and confront this like a man. i think i should give her and me both a chance and see what happens next? i can’t deny her of sth when i don’t even know what the ending will be. yes i will give her a chance

she wants it, i want it. i only get one life, why should i let this chance go away? my reason can’t be because i’m scared. yes i’m going to take it like a man and love her the most i can with all my heart and let god’s love shine on me.

who cares if we make wrong decisions. being human is all about making wrong decisions and learning from them. so let this one be another of them.

1:26am

epilogue

the idea itself almost seems inconceivable. the worst of enemies. the best of friends

now create the strongest known bonding in human history: the bond of love

sometimes, i question yesterday whether it would have been the same if i stayed home that day. but maybe i was wrong, it would have still happened because of all the small things that you’ve done, all the history and events that have unfurled before today. from long ago, the academic competition, the hitting the pranking; from very lately, your hand on my shoulder, the texting, the talking, the pranking on your bro.

maybe it would have still happened but in another situation, at another time.

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One thought on “right and wrong

  1. that’s ur decision, ur analysis, and I’ll give you a pat in the back for making this very extensive reflection

    again, I shall be here, be there, be where you need me when you need me, I’ve learnt more from you than you’ve probably learnt from me or got from me, therefore I thank you, and I support you continually

    this looks like a very long chapter with many twists and turns, a long chapter with many subplots and main lines, and it will be a necessary, interesting, painful, and fun chapter that is going to enhance the book a lot, for the good most likely

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