the last day of school, a day in hell

many people always like to recall the last day of school as the best one, the best day of school

but today’s sucked shit. i dun know how such a wonderful day of celebration could turn out into something like not. it’s just fucking depressing.

stupid seniors. a few of them came in at 5:30 in the morning and decided to spray acrylic paint all over the place. like what the hell is wrong with you guys. these guys got all 67 seniors kicked out on THEIR FUCKING LAST DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL. i mean, nvm i’ll save my breathe.

i’m not going to hide anything and right now, i feel so so confused

thousands of feelings crossing my mind now and not one of them is positive

i’m pissed.

yes i am, i worked my ass off for the principal award and you tell me the most pretigious award goes to 10 people. then save the the word “most” please. on that stage today, probably only 3 people deserved that: jun hou, carmen and me. i won’t hide it. i am fucking pissed. all those last nights busting my ass, opening my eyes till late at night for just a stupid award which i broke just by dropping it. god, i hate myself.

i’m disappointed.

i never expected myself to get something more than honors roll or principal award but deep inside, i always want an obscure award that will make me go like i deserve it

i always expected myself to be a winner. i was born with a lot of self pride, very egotistical and never wanted to be a loser. i could lose, but you can never expect me to lose twice. i will try my utmost to overcome that. but come on, 0.1% for nth FUCKING TIME. i mean why, why am i always subjected to such irony in life, and once again beaten by my girlfriend. not so glorious, is it.

it’s also another thing who happens to have a brother whose just so god dman smart and lucky. he’s the big winner of it all. science award, isle de leone contract, science fair, principal, honor roll.

it just really brings me to tears how everything really just didn’t go anything as i wanted or planned it could. i wasn’t there when the person i loved most cried her eyes out because it was the last day of her school.i wasn’t there when the person i loved the most wanted me to be behind her. i failed myself and failed her

during that year end assembly, watching the numa numa video, i was actually quite happy thinking of all the happy memories that i’ve had in the past three years.

when teachers came up doing their thank you speeches one by one, i had an impulse to just stand up and shoutout i love carmen, but apparently i was too chicken to do it.

i don’t know what to do. as much as i want to be a “jerk”, write her a mean break up letter that will help her forget me and regard me as a dick to make it easier with her

i don’t know how i will be able to give her those words full of lies. i didn’t quite realize this but i found out that i actually really really like this girl, more than i ever imagined. but i can’t risk telling her the true feelings of my heart, because if i did, both of us would suffer big big time.

there were so many times i wnated to just hold her hand, kiss her as she walked past , grab her by the waist and never let go of her, but i was retrained bywhat my friend’s feelings. it’s almost like a joke that my good friend has fancied the smae girl for nearly a girl. god forbid, stop playing this prank on me.

the second she dropped my principal award. as much as i wanted to strangle, insult, diss her and make her feel the pain i was going through. i ran to the basement and just lied there wanting to cry. such irony in the world. the person i love the most destroy the only reward of my hardwork in this whole year. i mean how could i choose?but i couldn’t. i would only feel more regret if i had hurt her feelings, thank god i didn’t do that.

if it wasn’t for today, i would never have realized how much i loved that girl. even though she broke my award, beat my by 0.1, screwed up my day, i still loved her and hoped for her best. ws it really true that love was blind, if it was, then thank god she made me realize the importance of light (her).

if there was only a way to go back in time and relive today.

please, let me relive today.

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One thought on “the last day of school, a day in hell

  1. o Jason Jason Jason, wt can I ever say to u to comfort u more, I reli feel like u reli could use a shoulder or an understanding voice now

    I’ll first start with congratulating u with ur amazing achievement, let’s say ur on ur way to college, hahaI guess when ur at Ivy League and I’m in community college or HK colleges, u can comfort me, lol

    awards live through the mind, through the record, through the presentation, the physical being doesn’t matter, ur parents know u did it, ur closest friends, those who matter, know u did it, God knew u did it, and so long as ur rewarded for ur hard work, y does a little piece of external thing matter?

    I guess it’s gd 4 u to finally realize ur love for this girl, be it good for u or not we shall see, but I know and u know, it is very important that u realize this, and be clear with urself

    dun give up, there’s more to life, and more to this relationship, and take every opportunity u hv, dun destroy it, dun destroy her, trust me, u’ll regret it

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