i admit that posting at 2 am in the morning isn’t the most healthy of habbits

but it’s the only time i can think without the distractions, without thoughts

the fact that i’m closed to asleep helps me focus (ironically) and make me think about myself

after the crazy love period, i have to say i’m reaching the plateau stage. i dun know what to say. i dun what to comment on. i dun know what to ask.

is this how i am going to be for the rest of my life. impulsive, hot headed, big in words, coward in my actions regarding my relationships

nvm that, i should go back on topic: me

it’s been what almost three weeks that i’ve given up on her. but somehow it feels almost like a year, or even a decade.

because i’ve changed a lot. like a lot

i don’t mean my work ethics, or my methodology, or my favorite things or my belief that hardwork is inherent to success.

but the change is more profound on a more fundamental level. my view on life

i rmb me before i gave up: optimistic, risk-taking, bold, unafraid of failure.

somehow the moment i gave up, i transformed

with her, she took away my innocence of a dream that she was THE ONE. the one and only girl i would like love for my life.

i tired so hard to keep retaining that emotion, but i guess she pushed me too far away.

in place, they put another me. one who is cynical, untruthful, scrupulous, and views the world with skepticism

i rmb feeling guilty about lying to my parents, about doing something naughty, about forgetting my religious beliefs, about swearing

somehow that part of me just left. i rmb how strict i used to be. not even allowing myself to look at another girl when i was with her.

but now, that feeling doesn’t exist. i don’t rmb feeling guilty the last time i used the F word or the S word. i don’t remember feeling guilty for bad mouthing someone

at this moment, i just feel really screwed up. my life out of sync, i seem so uncontrollable.

i guess it doesn’t really matter if that innocence is gone or not, because in the end some day we will ahve to wake up anyway. losing the innocence doesn’t mean you have to be a bad guy and rob banks just because you don’t feel guilt about it. it just means that you’ve realized that somethings we have to accept, like lying, swearing, it’s what makes the world goes round, avoids a lot of thigs. life isn’t as beautiful as it is in fairytales. it doesn’t mean we have to throw it away. we just have to learn how to life a righteous life and doing things we have to do. feeling guilty isn’t that pleasan anyway. just try to avoid doing it and if you must, just make sure it’s for the right reason. only because we found out that life isn’t a fairytale doesn’t mean we can’t live it positively. you just have to realize that some parts of life will suck, you just have to hang through and work your way out of it.

what did i say about midnight thinking sessions. thank you to the girl whose always behind my back.

One thought on “me

  1. can’t believe ur making me read all this hate stuff at 12:40 in London, but I do it willingly for u, and I hope one day it will come back to u for the good

    morals and ethics are essential to one’s character, to one’s personality and to one’s impression

    as much as u see my cynical, horny, mean self so often, I hope u know that deep down I am and can be and should be a warm, caring person full with morals, and I lament how I always have to give that up for the sake of being “cool” or survive int he “real” world

    dun do that Jason, ur reli almost the last real nice person I know, dun let that slip away from me, or from u, be urself, and u will grow

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