the broken chords break into the silent space of my room.
the song reminds again about the question that has been irregularly jumping into my brain ever so often
i start recalling the conversations i had with other people about this topic
“…live for the fortune”
it’s almost the end of the school year, another that has yet hastily swept by. chances like this where i just sit and reflect have been so rare during these crazy months.
people and events have similarly swept by in my life without me giving much thought to them.
sometimes, i feel like living without emotions, without love. many points during the year, i’ve seen people laugh, cry over certain things
me? i’ve just stood there and showed no emotions
it’s not that i don’t have any but it’s just that i’ve been sooo wrapped up in completing stuff, i’ve rarely allowed my true self to even creep out for a second
on times, i’ve done that in camps, the brief two days where my heart races out before my brain is aware of the situation, i’ve done stupid things.
“if i ain’t got you baby”
another conversation with wilfred floats up in my head.
“there’s no possibility for relationships in ib. you’re so busy you don’t even have time to talk to a girl.”
“i know. you’re so wrapped up with work, you don’t even the strength to think about it”
another one yet floats up like a fish
“i don’t know. i’m just really lost. i don’t know what to do in front of her”
“listen to me. don’t confess again. seriously, in the next 2 months, you have no time at all to think about issues like this. if you confess again, you’re just going to be constantly bothered and this is going to take away from your working time.” sighs “it’s really pointless to be wasting time thinking about relationships now when we’ve still got so much work”
this one is traced in my mind
“haiii.. i don’t know. it’s just i don’t want anything to happen now, not when i’ve got all this shit happening”
“but you need to choose what you want to do. you can’t lead on two girls like this. it’s not far”
“But I don’t want nothing at all”
right now, i really have no clue what to do.
this one and a half year is going to be so important in my life not only academically but also emotionally.
whatever is going to happen in these next 90 weeks will change my life forever.
my brain tells me that I WANT TO GET INTO THAT UNIVERSITY
my heart tells me there’s no harm done trying it out. if it seriously doesn’t work out, just kill it. it will be fine.
sometimes, i’ve thut of this possibility: getting into a relationship but totally not caring about it.
… which is pointless.
and supposedly, relationships dont work unless both sides cooperate to make it work
i look at myself. it’s quite pathetic. it’s really quite tiring to be doing this all day. it’s not something sleep and fun can bring back
it’s that attitude in life. a person with vitality, with boundless energy, with hope that can really bring a spark in my life.
this person is the solution
but like so many other things, solutions are pyschological. i’m sure i can persevere longer but will i still have the same chance when i need it
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain’t you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, Yeah“