too much to think (13/7/09)

with my previous relationship, my compassion, romance was striped away from me and leave me with a cold self.

in the past year, i have looked at this world with a pair of cold eyes, with clarity with logic and with all the rigid measurements of life that came with it. yet now, that this incident has happened for the third time with the same person, i realize that some level of adjustment must be made.

i believe in logic, and scorned at others who were helplessly trapped in the quicksand of love. i did not believe in relationships, nor love nor friendship. to me, feelings were evanescent, capricious so holding onto them were as stupid as trying to hold air.

and as i recited those same words for the third time to that person that i had said after the first and second incident, i felt horribly guilty, when i was told by a friend that those words hurt more, i knew i had done it again. all this time, i have always thought about myself, about what I, me, had to do, about what was best for me. and looking around, i realize that i have been treating many people around me unfairly, treating them like crap. when i watch biographical movies, i see stories of great men putting aside love, family to work to life. and i never did understand why the whole world didn’t act the same way. right now, i think i may do. whether the decision is stupid or not is not for an observer like me to judge but for God.

and here i am at a crossroad,at a point in time where i have the chance to take a turn and live a story that will be my mine. perhaps change is necessary, what i need, what i truly need to again relive my life. the prospect does scare me. even with my on 100%, i still haven’t been able to do as well as i had hoped. to put my future on a gamble seems stupid. but the gamble is what will hopefully become a legendary story.


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