growing up backwards

i have realized that i won’t become anybody special. if i indeed was a music prodigy, math prodigy or anyone with mind blowing talent, i  would have been discovered by now with any stroke of luck. it does came across as narcissistic but i believe this is part of growing up. everyone wants to be somebody when they’re young. at first, its not hard to think so when your world is so small. as a young kid, the future seems too far away and the world seems too small for i/me to not become someone special. as i grew older, my world expanded in size and i started to see those who were truly talented. 17 going onto 18, it’s become slightly too far fetched to have any more hopes of some kind of hidden or unrecognized talent inside me that can possibly leap me into stardom right now. i know a person who “grew up” before he grew up. that person seemed to have his whole future planned out when i first met him. speaking like an old person with wisdom about the tragedies and problems of life.

honestly, i used to judge people,  by the way they walked, they talked, they looked. i figured that it would help me separate the better people from the worse people. i thought slowly like this i would meet the right people, the smart people, climb slowly up the social ladder and work my way up to the top crust of society. one person changed my perception. it’s not that person was ugly but super smart (LOL). a person who was quite “slow” but had compassion for everyone else. no matter what stupid thing that person did, it made that person somehow even more vulnerable and make everyone around want to help, want to protect, want to care. that person presented an anomaly to my classification system. it did not make sense to me that fragility and vulnerability made a person more “prized”. it changed me in that i recognized that this system wouldn’t work. everybody is good at something in their own respect because everyone needs a niche in life. it’s our method of survival. i sit on the minibus now and look at the passengers. i don’t differentiate them liked i used to but i like to imagine what type of person this stranger could be. a expert on gundam models from 1980s, a expert on goldfish, a expert on the best pork bone soup in hk.

i am becoming more hypocritical by the second. last year, i remember having a conversation of a uni student about social life. i had sworn to try to expand my social circle and try to be more culturally diverse. i had sworn that i was ready to pack my bags right that instant and go to uni. i had sworn that uni would provide to be a much more intellectually challenging place.
i take all of that back now. i want to stick with my group of friends with our traditional chinese thoughts and incomprehensible inside jokes. i wanted to stay in the comfort of my home where everthing i wanted was within reach. i want to stay in high school because there is so much yet i have to perfect on and learn at my current level.

all of the things i have said in these three paragraphs represent my expectation, my perception of my life. i had devised all these mechanisms, had all these expectations for myself in hope that i would some day be up there, above everyone else. all of these things have been thrown back into the garbage bin, rendered useless once again. i think i’ve come close to a circle starting from when i started thinking that i was a complex person. my complexness has proven to be essentially a load of nothing. so i guess i’ve advanced by becoming simple again.


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