when i was young, in a local primary school, my principal told my mom once, in front of me, that i had a “正” word on my forehead, that i was always a good boy and would never be accused of doing bad things.
until just now, i still believed it was the thing that pushed me in life. but as i was taking a shower just now and thinking, i realized it was something else.
“i was born with a sense of responsibility unparalleled at birth. i was born and i felt the need to fulfill my responsibilities as a son, a brother, a student, a friend. it explains a lot of things. it explains the reason i try my best: to be a good son and student. it explains the reason why i try to do good as part of my responsibility to my friends, to the society.
i still remember childhood as being the best time of my life. it was the most stress-free part of my life. as i got older and become more responsible and become this and that. my sense of responsibility and feeling of duty makes me a more natural leader than most other people but life became a tad bit more cumbersome and heavier.
it’s hard for me not to feel stress because i’m always competing against my responsibility, whether to do more, try harder. at the age of 18 now, i feel older than my age. i feel that responsibilities have tied me down and i don’t have that vibe, that freshness that people my age should have. every progressing stage of life just makes me feel like there are more responsibilities that are going to be piled on me and i’m finding it hard to breathe already.
i have realized that i can never satisfy myself and my responsibility. the time to let go has been a source of internal conflict since i started my first piece of my homework.
what to do? i think giving up is the only solution. one needs God’s assurance and support that life will go on regardless of my intervention. I need to know that I can’t control everything and that II need to listen to Him and learn when to let go.