sunglight behind the curtains

i got back home and went straight to the shower.
and the bathroom is lucently lit with ambient lighting because of the sunlight behind the sheer curtains.
the sunrays reflect off the cream colored tiles of the floor and wall, giving everything a sunset Roman feel.
and i stand in the shower looking out in the bathroom, absorbing everything once again.

the same familiar unfamiliarity has struck me ever since grade 5 outward bound camp, when i get back home, go into the shower and remember the life i had again.

it’s an indication of a trait of mine, the inclination to submerge into another life for a period of time and forget all about the life i had. the problem is anything more than a night away from home is “another life”.

my mom’s talked about this problem since i was 10, when i didn’t call home during Supercamp.
for a mother like mine, that’s a big problem. the problem is exacerbated when you have a brother who has never faltered in calling mom every night on every trip away from home.

the flip side of the coin is that i’m always happy wherever i go. i make many friends and make them quickly. i get submerged into that world, that circle. you could also call it being sociable or adaptable.

it’s never occurred to me but lately, i’ve been reflecting whether being adaptable is just a way of saying i have no personality at all. i become the person i want to be, say the things i want to according what the situation specifies (but luckily, i still do have a pretty strict moral code). i’d like to think it’s an abnormality in my brain, that the long term personality control part of my brain is undeveloped, that i’m a medical case, an abnormality.

for many years, i’ve seen it as a virtue, of being adaptable in any situation. but as i grow older, my responsibilities demand more of me and so i make myself do things: text people, occasionally call.

…I only get to live once and I don’t want to do the wrong thing.

  

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