relationships among homosapiens

I had a meaningful conversation with a friend last night.

There are two topics that stuck from that conversation:

one of them is about my attitude towards making fds:
I’ve always sincerely believed that I could befriend a group I wanted to, to a certain extent. I could morph myself into the person the group wanted me to be and be accepted.
But there were two points raised in that conversation:
point 1: My morphability stems form the lack of self consciousness, from me not knowing, being totally oblivious to what people are saying about me.
point 2: I’m only assuming that I know what they are thinking when i actually don’t. I’m making assumptions of their characters.

second topic:
what is love?
Is it at first a emotion before it transcends into a logical reasoning?
or Is it a reasoned out argument that grows to become an emotion?

I feel like I have forgotten how to infatuate, maybe it’s just because nobody here really fits the mold of the type of girl I like.

—-

I hooked up the first time in my life tonight, well not really, since I never even got pass the part where my ass was rubbing against hers.

I couldn’t take it.
I ran out right after she just slightly let go.

I just can’t get over the fact that we are treating our bodies like commercial goods, bartering them for each others.
It was even worse that the girl didn’t even want it, she was just being dared by her friends, (which I overheard).
It was downright humiliating that a girl was rubbing her ass against mine only because she was intoxicated and dared by her friends.
It was a humiliating, disgusting experience.

I thought I could do it. Now, I’m just convinced I can’t. It’s something beyond me, too difficult to accomplish.

———-

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