self-identity

i have a narcicisstic-supremacism theory: basically, I am the best.

The consequence of this is that
life is much easier to navigate for me in the following ways:
I judge people instantly, by my first look on them and their first glance on me.
It makes life easier because when I learn their names and leave them, I have the confident feeling that I don’t want to be their friends and ever talk to them again. It’s like ticking things of a checklist. It gives me a sense that I’m moving forward in life
simply put, I choose you to be my friend not the other way around
It puts me in a position of power, that I am the navigator of my own life, that I can steer my own boat into the direction I want.
In the application to my female-seeking endeavors,
it makes me feel better because I’m choosing you not to be my gf, not the over way around. 
I judge you to be white trash so you can’t be my gf. 
But if you’re even slightly sane, you can see this is total bullshit, impossibly obnoxious.
Firstly that I’m judgmental, selfish, arrogant and narcissistic. Secondly, that this theory doesn’t even work.
I’ve come to the point where I don’t know who I want to be anymore.
Weinstein told the class about the model of Rites of Passage the first class
separation
limbo
reincorporation
I’ve always thought I could fit right in with the white kids. I thought I had that under my belt, based on my six weeks in Choate, forgetting that I never actually ventured beyond my group of Asian-American, Taiwanese, Chinese friends. What I mean by white in this statement are the closed-minded, insular, party-hard, East Coast white kids.but all of this comes with the slight complication simply that I am not like that. I can’t memorize song lyrics cause instead I memorize passages out of band music and classical music. I remember the texture of sound, not just the sound of one man singing. I can’t drink heavy or hookup with random strangers because I don’t find a reason in doing that, (which I believe would be) killing brain cells and destroying my morality. The killer question is what if a girl I am infatuated with is one of the white? What do I do?

and there’s that whole debate about being international. I always feel the need to be American, not to become one permanently, but be able to pretend to be one so that it will be hard for other people to determine my Chinese origins. I would have deemed that the success of my education abroad. But I keep getting told I have a chinese accent, to my extreme distraught. I mean certainly there are other things which betray me, my thick layers of clothing in Autumn weather.

This post was written over a couple of sessions.
So I’ve still rethinking about my strict-no-hook-up standards. The question that I’ve been playing in my head is the classification of random strangers. If that girl was someone I didn’t have vulgar feelings towards (relating back to my narcisstic-supreamicism theory), I think I would have jumped the wagon.

here’s the problem. I’m trying to figure out myself and at the same time figuring out American culture, American people. Judgment is never sound if you have a changing standard. Thus, I’m in this infinite loop where I don’t have a basis/base case (in cs language) to pass a definite answer to. to put this in a problem i’m actually having now: i want to take a moral philosophy course but i also want to take a course on american empires since 1890.

on any note that i end with, there will definitely be some type of connotation that can be derived out of it, even if it is subconscious. that’s the whole thing about internal dialogues and writing on blogs that i don’t like, there is never a finite answer. it’s a pendulum but not quite regular. whatever note i end on will be the basis of judging on which side i’m on right now so…

the end.

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