preface: truth, as try to identify in my writings, is not truth. it is a very biased half-truth that i have defined for myself.
college is a great place to think about yourself, especially when you’re me in america, where everything seems to different.
i’ve been here for two and a half months now. just looking back at some of the posts i’ve written, i have observed the slow deconstruction of my pre-conceived idea of total assimilation into american culture.
and right now, at this point, i doubt if there will be any assimilation in four years at all.
this is the way i defined the problem it for my friend: i will drink alcohol but i won’t do drugs. those two things set my boundaries, but everything in between is wide open, a large spectrum of possibly anything.
and the basic problem of choosing where i fit in this spectrum whittles down to is sex.
as of right now, my decision is virginity until marriage. i will not relegate the reason of this choice to my upbringing or environment because decisions of this sort should be personal preference. but the definition of virginity also extends beyond coitus intercourse, including grinding, oral sex.
it does seem elaborate and over exaggerated of a definition. but i just want to make sure i have consciously decided before i do anything.
if you think of it, virginity is such a artificial and ephermal concept. it only imposes on the first time you have sex. if you have it only a second time or a million times after the first, virginity is still broken. it’s a bit like tainting something purely white. no matter how little black you add into a bucket of white paint, the tainting has already been performed.
so sometimes i just want to get it over with. get really shit faced one night, do it. wake up regretting it but go like, oh hey, now i don’t have to think about it anymore. because we can only think of relishing things we do have ownership over. once i lose it, i don’t have think of relishing it anymore.
i know i should be myself. but i can also choose who i want to be.
i don’t want to be marginalized in the college experience just because of my choices. i feel like i’m missing out on the experience, mind you, which is distinctively different from the fun.
all choices stem from this. the things i’m willing to do at parties, the friends i am to make, the girls i am to approach. i would discuss other problems, but this is the ultimate yes/no question.
religion doesn’t help in this scenario. sometimes i even wonder if i’m religious anymore. it’s a paradox for me because i remember a bible quote that goes along the lines of those who choose to believe without being proved will be saved.
but i need to make a conscious choice to believe in religion right, so chicken or egg?
white or tainted white (that is irrecoverably not white anymore).