i feel like it’s the first time i’m at a foreign place again
the unfimilarity, foreigness is there.
and i wish to exploit it, to end my semester spectacularly. but i can’t cause i’m in the middle of swamped work. tired to death and stressed out.
talking to people about it makes me realize i don’t actually like school that much, and it seems to me that i would enjoy myself in other places more.
i have no clear plan anymore, just a lost compass spinning uncontrollably
i realized it’s not important to get anything long lasting from something. there’s not always a purpose A in the form a of a tangible result Z from an event B.
getting experience, a memory is equally as good as getting something else, like a friendship or a relationship.
it took me a bunch of awesome people, a trip to ecaudor, 18 years of living to finally wrap my head around this, something my mentor had started telling a few years ago about how he realized he didn’t have to strive to live a perfect life because of his “bucked tooth” incident.
and i realize that. i am not important, only am infinitesimally speck in the boundless cosmic universe. my cosmic existence is not tied to fate, not tied to a deity. there is not a greater reason of existence than a reason to want to live. so from here on, i am responsible for my own life, doing thing only i feel should be done, and see where that takes me.