few hours before departure.

it’s the last night before i board my plane again.
as always, i pace the living room thinking of the past one month.

it’s the free-est i’ve been my whole life. no agenda, just a nomadic wanderer.
i’m restless, restless to live after been stuck in my room for so long.
most of the blame is on me. while the music blares and the lights shine, i stay in my room.

i don’t know what happened.
i found myself having the least real human contact i’ve had in a long time.
it shows that you can be easily forgotten. you need to be more aggressive to get what you want.

but this restlessness is coupled with a fear.
i want to live but i feel like i can’t. i fear it too much.
a fear that i can’t do it. fear that i can’t handle the work. fear that i won’t find anyone. fearing the same fear that paralyzes me.
humans are hypocritical. trying hard to make decisions, while fearing the consequences of those same decisions.

what was real though last semester? the few things that i will many times remember.
the conversation with liz on her rocking chair about girls and their nature.
the conversation with kader in my room about majors and careers.
the conversation with prof martina about the nature of knowledge and the fear of confronting it.
the conversation with najma on the street corner talking about what girls like in guys.
the advice from Walsh to be myself and to be confident
laughs and jokes at the triple after spg and halloween.
conversation with sarah and ana about our lives.
talk with zac about future and how he is liking to have found a field which he likes
talk with greg about family
talk with greg about changing the world, throwing money at the problem.

it’s right not to be clueless but as soon as you find a direction, you need to walk towards it.
everyone has different skill sets and backgrounds. utilize this.
of course, always be open minded about plan B.
never lose sight of your goal once you find one and fight towards it.

i want to practice the following as well. make life more convenient without decreasing the quality of life.

i want this upcoming semester to be like this:
i want to like the classes i take and the work i do.
i want to wake up and feel excited about the day.
i want to make more real connections with people.
i want to enjoy this semester more even if it will be more difficult.

the way to live life is as following: do what you like, prepare yourself for success, even if you fail, realize you are infinitesimally small.


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