now i become death, the destroyer of worlds – oppenheimer

i’ve always had that conflict of whether becoming more corrupt is a sign of maturation or well, corruption.

don’t know if i’ve shared this. but i read this recently and imediately read the whoel 45 page pdf while waiting for a flight to puerto rico.
it’s affected me somewhat i guess

i had this tendency in the past, especially when i look at some of my earlier blog posts.
this tendency is classify right and wrong, the Judo-Christian idea of sin, wrongfulness.
this is especially true in Western philosophy. there’s a really really strong desire and need to classify things as right and wrong, hence the successful science method

but the above reddit post, my realization that life is a huge complicated mess where you are unable to predict the final ramifications of your actions and my upbringing in a very morally ambiguous place like hong kong,
has made me realize that right/wrong is separated by a very thin line. and what seems right/wrong at the time may not be in a moment’s time.

another more meta-way to think about it is try to imagine humans as another creature. think of a civilization of 16-legged octopus like creature. what would be the same and what wouldn’t be. all those questions await.

duty is one of those words that i’ve come to accept.
the other of those is simply acceptance, acceptance that the life i have already lived part of and will live is sinful.  


SPG not what you think

this post is dedicated to SPG aka starlings of slipstream

the stressful part is finally over. it’s the first day in two full weeks that i’ve finally not felt stressed out by the amount of work i need to do after waking up. finally, finally.

i gave some advice last night and i realized that i should heed those same words as well.
to be happy, one needs to

1) be pragmatic about happiness. happiness is not sth that naturally occurs to someone. if you have some understanding of the world and some introspective understanding of your position in this world, you realize there’s a lot of things to be depressed about, about the unfair world.
therefore, you need to do adopts ways of happiness. if there’s sth that makes you happy, do it. you need also to believe that doings that will make you happy will actually make you happy. at least try.

2) the more important thing is to suppress that voice inside your head. that voice mostly arises from self-doubt, self-criticism. the origin of that voice is our high expectations of ourselves. accept this fact: no one is perfect. in fact, you need to accept you yourself are far from perfect. it’s like studying, you never study enough. you will never be as good as what you expect yourself to be. so, lower your expectations. your flaws and imperfections make you human. imperfections make us real.

at the end of the day, you have to love your life, no matter how shitty it is. so do the following realizing life is not perfect, and try to make yourself happy.

now the big question, does doing engineering make me happy? hmmm

6. acceptance

i lost if when i was 14.
to be honest, i’ve woken up many days without even remembering that.
it’s a loss but it’s not as grave as losing sight, losing hearing.

i feel like this is the reason i often take myself so seriously
i was forced to deal with the concept of loss at a younger age, to go through the stages of grief.

i ended up leapfrogging this maturation period.
other people i know are still searching for their excitement in alcohol and random hookups
Rohan and his climbing
is that why i perhaps shy away from it?

and lizzie says that will eventually arrive at that stage of maturity
so i have to wait patiently or perhaps find another like me.