that feeling on my chest

today is one of those days, one of those days i have a feeling on my chest that i have a lot to say and i want it to get all of it off me. this is my pensive and i’m going to unload my brain here. it might not make any sense or have any structure so please bear with me.

i saw the health services counselor who comforted me while i was crying after one of those community value meetings last year while walking back. i had lunch with a friend i’ve known for seven years and walked back into keeny earlier today. and i hanged-out with the four freshmen friengineers i grew up with. all of these small things triggered me to think about how i’ve changed over the past year. how i’ve changed isn’t important i think because everyone, including me, changes. there’s only limited value in tracking something that changes if you don’t know if there will be any correlation. but i guess it’s like taking snapshots and it’s always thought-provoking to compare yourself now and yourself behavior.

any moment now, a person, a class, a lecture, an idea could change my life. part of that is the mystique and fun of the human experience, of not knowing what will happening next, the challenge and excitement in trying to control it but sometimes realizing that it sometimes is better to let the waves carry you. i’ve never been perfectly content with life, i’m always trying to do something more, do something differently. everyday, we’re trying to streamline our lives, do more things we like and less things we don’t want to. and greg and i talked last night about classes. i want to take other classes. i don’t want to just take engineering classes but my theory is that it doesn’t benefit me to take humanity classes if they’re not going to be my first priority. i just won’t get a lot out of it if i don’t do the reading. but if i could, a class i would want to take is on human’s function in society. what meaning, function do we as individuals give to this world or is that a question you have to largely answer on your own.

i would like to read if i had the time to or watch those movies i’ve always wanted to. it occurs to me what your life ends up being seems to be largely a combination of luck (and the workings of this big machine called society if you believe in it). i’m a pragmatist and i think it’s much easier to live life not questioning it because it takes so much time (as i am doing now) doubting my life.

i still haven’t quite decided whether thinking about life can be truly attributed to time spent effectively. i want to believe that it gives meaning to life so i can justify what i’m doing now. we tend to believe that meaning can be generated from debilitating over some of our higher purposes of life but i’m not always convinced.

we never really know what to do with life, whether to cut the crap and just live it, mood over it. as i’ve said before, my personal opinion is that life is just a hodgepodge of people, things, occurrences, basically a huge atom with electrons flying in unpredictable directions. in the end, it’s what’s hard-wired into your brain. once you’re off-balance towards one type of thinking, you’re forever off-balance. some people i know would never do this, and this already shows that i am the type of person who will mood over life.

Jason – deciding whether he wasted his time.

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listening to andrew bird’s songs

可能是星期天下午闲听着andrew bird的歌,可能是因为人生第一次安排生活里所有的细节,我看开了,就是说有一点随缘的态度,随着人生万华变迁的波浪浮动,再不太苛求任何东西。

我不是说我不积极,但是说我不刁难。我遇到机会的,我都会做,但跟以前不一样的是我不会特意要一件东西。我发现随缘找到的快乐比刻意追求的真实,天真很多。

我觉得如果每一天过得像外国的 backpacker一样,利用一天里每一分每一秒寻找快乐,不停探索,没有恐惧,对不经意找到的每一件事物都是那么感兴趣, 因为他们知道在这个地方停留的时间是短暂的,就算将来看到尴尬的事也只是会笑。这样的生活才是充实的。

人就是这么莫名其妙。游客去的地方比居民看到的东西可能更多。